


No More Lies

by Phoenix_Falls



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, F/F, Like the night it happened post 200, Polyamory: A Great Idea, post 200
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-21 02:41:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15547806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoenix_Falls/pseuds/Phoenix_Falls
Summary: From a tumblr post wondering if JJ ever told Emily about hallucinating her during her torture in 200





	No More Lies

**Author's Note:**

> Original idea post by unitcheifwives on tumblr

JJ hadn't wanted to go to the hospital, of course. She had wanted to go home and see her boy, curl around Henry's tiny body and thank all that was holy that he wouldn't have to grow up without her. She hadn't realized how hard she was clinging to Emily until she'd been passed off to Will's waiting arms. The adrenaline had started to leave her a bit, and with it came fatigue and hot on the heels of the weariness was the pain. The strength with which she was gritting her teeth meant that she couldn't speak to complain about not wanting to go to the hospital but the worried and plaintive look on Emily's face from nearby kept her from giving in to the urge to twist away from the paramedics pushing her gently back onto a gurney. Away from Will who somehow felt like an intruder in her personal space.

The more the energy and excitement left her, the more pain she was in and while the speed run to the hospital hadn't taken more than twenty minutes, it felt like hours of agony. JJ felt like she'd been hit by a bus. She was sore everywhere, particularly her arms, and pain radiated from her abdomen. The move between the ambulance, to emergency, to an exam room, to a single occupancy room was a blur and JJ honestly couldn't process a damn thing until they'd given her some heavy painkillers in her saline drip and the fog of pain made way for the much more pleasing fog of good drugs.

The team shuffled in and out of the room for the next several hours and she was as grateful to see them as they were her. Garcia had gone and got Henry at one point and when she'd seen her son, she'd burst into relieved tears. Will had hardly left her side but she begged him off for the night. They were probably only keeping her twenty-four hours for observation and she told him she wouldn't be able to rest knowing that Henry was alone and she certainly didn't want him spending the night at the hospital if he didn't have to so Will reluctantly took his leave after she'd promised a hundred times to have the doctor call as soon as there was an update.

The only person JJ hadn't seen was the one person she desperately wanted to. Reid had told her that Emily had to stay back and recount what had happened on the roof but it shouldn't have taken the hours she'd already been at the hospital. Visitor hours were certainly over by then, but surely they would have let Emily in or at least let a nurse know she'd come by? It wouldn't be like her to take off without saying goodbye, not to JJ anyway. Not unless she was worried JJ was going to ask her to stay. They'd always had a bit of a strange relationship. Always pushing and pulling at each other but quite unlike opposing forces; more like dance partners who knew each other so well they could anticipate the others moves almost without thought. 

JJ knew, too, that if their positions had been exactly reversed, she would have probably stayed away until the last possible moment too. It would have been too difficult to hide their feelings. God, what a complication. Even at the best of times, being in Emily's presence had always been heavy with tension never mind being in mortal peril. Never mind the lengths they went to to protect each other when in danger. Emily had saved her life twice that night and one of the most crucial times, she didn't even know about yet. JJ had debated on whether or not to say anything--to anyone--about what had happened when she was at her lowest but she was tired of hiding and lying by omission all the time. She wanted to tell who needed to be told, and that necessarily included Emily.

JJ only realized she must have dozed off when she woke up and felt warm hands holding one of hers. Wide palm. Tapered fingers. Strong, but soft. JJ felt a smile curve her lips slightly as she opened her eyes, blinking hard a few times to shake herself of the grogginess caused by the desperate need for rest and the medication they'd been giving her. Emily had already been looking at her and so didn't miss when JJ's eyes fluttered open, her own smile forming in response.

"It's after visiting hours." JJ pointed out sleepily, shifting slightly to face Emily more fully.

Emily squeezed JJ's hand. "The night nurse remembered me and I think she was just glad that I wasn't the wards responsibility for once and just let me through."

JJ chuckled softly and twisted her hand in Emily's grip so she was more of an active participant in the hand holding. "I didn't think you'd left yet." They both knew she was talking about London. JJ had, maybe subconsciously at first, refused to refer to London as Emily's 'home' and though Emily had never brought it up, JJ knew she was aware of the times she phrased things carefully to avoid the implication that Emily had set down roots so far away.

Emily nodded in response to JJ's statement and brought the hand she held up to place several gentle kisses on the back of her hand. "I thought about it."

"I know." There was no offense or anger in JJ's tone because she _did_ know.

They were quiet for a long time, a comfortable silence where the gaze between them was weighted with everything they had ever said to each other without talking. Something overtook Emily's face and her already soft and open features showed even more vulnerability, her eyes shining in the half-light when her eyes welled up. "I thought I'd lost you." her quiet voice was hoarse with emotion and it took JJ half a second to realize Emily hadn't been talking about keeping her from plummeting off the roof.

"You almost did." JJ admitted, just as quiet, just as full of emotion. They tightened their hold on each others hand and JJ took a deep breath. "Emily...I have to tell you what happened...in the warehouse with Askari." Unlike Will, who had insisted that she shouldn't have to think about that right then, or talk before she was ready, Emily just nodded and waited for her to continue. "I almost gave up. _Really_ gave up. I knew you'd find me but I didn't know if I'd still be," she trailed off, somehow not being able to muscle out the word 'alive' but the breath Emily sucked in along with more soft kisses on the back of her hand let JJ knew she'd been understood.

"You're so strong, Jayje." Emily murmured reverently.

"That's the thing, though. I wasn't." She shook her head when Emily looked like she was going to protest. "Do you remember the second night in Paris?"

Emily was a little puzzled over the non sequitur but she smiled gently. "I remember the whole nine days pretty vividly." she assured with a slight tease in her tone. It had its desired effect and JJ's eyes unfocused a little bit as whatever memories she held onto most of that week in Paris came floating through her mind. 

JJ had never thought of herself as a cheater and even though Will obviously hadn't known exactly what she'd gotten up to in Paris at the time, she hadn't felt guilty or shamed when Emily had come back and she'd told him what happened. They'd been two people acknowledging that they weren't just dancing to the same music, but they'd always been dancing together. A push and pull more like a gentle ocean tide than magnets at opposite poles. The night that JJ had brought up though, that second night in Paris, they'd spent a good deal of time talking. Not just about the change in the physical intimacy between them, but about everything they should have brought up before then. They had promised each other that there would be no more lies between them. No more secrets. No more refusing to give voice to what plainly showed on their faces.

"We promised," JJ reminded her. "No more lies, so I have to tell you." She fell silent again, wondering exactly how to word things because it could shift everything again. She pulled the hand she was holding closer to her and returned the gesture of sweet kisses on Emily's knuckles, closing her eyes and savouring the warmth of the skin under her lips before continuing. "I was ready to let go." She said with a sigh, grateful that while Emily looked like she wanted to say something, she held her tongue. "But I didn't. I was in so much pain and confusion and I was so...so fucking  _tired_ that, to borrow a page from Spence's Book Of Logic, my brain made me hallucinate the only bit of comfort that would keep me holding on a little longer."

Emily nodded but JJ could see she wasn't connecting the dots, which wasn't surprising. Emily was one of the smartest people JJ knew, but sometimes she could be really dense when it came to how important she was to people in her life. How important she was to JJ.

"I saw you, Emily." JJ wanted to say more but knew that Emily would have to process that part first. 

"You...hallucinated... _me_?" 

While she managed to withhold the chuckle that wanted to bubble out of her, JJ couldn't stop from rolling her eyes slightly at Emily's incredulous tone. She could be really dense sometimes. "It was less than a minute but it felt so real. It had been When you said I had to break, give them my code, you disappeared and it was Matt talking because I knew you would have never said that if you were there but it was enough. It was enough to keep me going again."

"Jennifer..." Emily didn't know what she was going to say or even if there was a proper way to respond to something like that, but JJ's name had slipped out of her unchecked in the same way the few errant tears that had spilled over her lids slid down her cheeks. She didn't even think to wipe them away, she never felt uncomfortable being emotional in front of JJ. Emily desperately wanted to kiss her but knew she couldn't. Surprisingly, not because of Will. While at the moment, Will was the furthest person from Emily's mind, he had been incredibly understanding about her feelings towards his wife and hers toward her. In fact, it was Will's suggestion that if it was alright with them, he didn't see any reason why Emily and JJ shouldn't date. He wasn't opposed to polyamory and he wasn't ignorant to their feelings for each other, not that he could be after he'd been told the abridged version of the week they spent in Paris. 

Will hadn't had an open relationship before, but he'd known the majority of JJ's relationships had been polyamorous prior to dating him because he wasn't sure if he could do something like that, but he was surprised that when it came down to it, it felt like the most logical step. Emily had been more than amenable to the idea, having had various types of open relationships of her own though she insisted that she wanted to defer to whatever JJ and Will decided between them. JJ, in a move that surprised both Will and Emily, had not exactly declined, but something adjacent to that. After she and Will got married, JJ and Emily weren't sexually physical with each other any longer. JJ was worried that Will had made the offer just to keep her happy as he'd been pretty adamant about monogamy up until that point and she couldn't bear the idea of either having to choose between them, or having them resent each other. Or her. 

She'd laid out everything as best she could and they'd all agreed though tension between the two women was so thick, and there were so many close calls to the physicality rule, that Emily had snapped up the job offer with Interpol, unwilling to continue the back and forth of them torturing each other and hoping the change of scenery would help them both move on. But it hadn't. They were the same as they ever were but with everything that went into their face to face interactions removed. Even if Emily hadn't been in love with JJ any longer, she still would have dropped everything to come to her aid if she needed her but as far as Emily was concerned, she'd never  _not_ been in love with JJ and if JJ still felt the same? What then? 

Emily finally wiped at the tears rolling down her cheek and reached over to cup JJ's jaw in her hand, gently brushing away some of the blonde's own tears. The revelation at how JJ felt coupled with the reality of how close to giving up she had actually been was almost too much to bear. "I love you." Emily had meant for her voice to be firm. Unwavering. A declaration of a fact. But her voice was watery with feeling. Still a declaration of a fact but spoken like a prayer of devotion.

JJ reached up and covered the hand against her face with her own. "Kiss me, Emily." 

Emily's body reacted before her mind had actually interpreted what had been said and she stopped herself from leaning any closer than she already had. "You know I can't." An apology. A plea. 'Don't do anything you'll regret.' 

JJ shook her head and laced her fingers with those of the hand under hers, bringing the clasped hands to her chest. "No more lies, remember?"

Emily nodded, not really comprehending but wanting to understand. 

"That means Will too. I told him." She worried her lower lip between her teeth for a moment. "About seeing you." She clarified unnecessarily. "We talked. I'd been wrong, before, about why Will suddenly seemed okay with us being together. God, I'd been wrong and I wasted so much time for nothing." she shook her head ruefully. "But if this has proved anything, it's that I love you too. I've never stopped loving you and I don't  _want_ to. I don't want to pretend that's what I want and I don't have to anymore. That is, if you still want to do this?"

"No more lies?" Emily asked, surprised that her tone sounded a little shy. 

"Never." JJ confirmed, tugging Emily forward again. "Kiss on it?"

Emily let out a laugh she was trying to disguise as a cough and got out of the chair by JJ's bed so she could reach her better. They hadn't kissed since the morning JJ had left to pick up her new IDs and passports in Paris but when Emily obliged her with one now, it was somehow sweeter than she remembered while being exactly like she remembered. Unable to resist giving her a few more kisses, Emily did so before sitting back down, smiling at the petulant look on JJ's face at the loss of her. "I'm only in town for a couple more days." she informed her, hating to break the mood.

JJ nodded, expecting as much. "I'll come visit. You'll come visit." she assured, squeezing Emily's hand again.

"A long distance polyamorous relationship?" Emily asked with faked curiosity. "We're really throwing Will into the deep end of the pool, huh?"

JJ laughed, the first time she'd actually laughed since this whole thing started. "It's alright, he can swim. Will you stay with me?"

Emily nodded and pulled her chair closer to JJ's bed without letting go of her hand. They both knew that JJ could have asked her right then to come home and she would have, but it wasn't time for that yet. Maybe in the future. Hopefully, in the future. But they had right now and they could worry about the future in the future. Right now there were no more lies and while JJ had just been through hell and back, she felt more unburdened than she had in a long time.

 


End file.
